CAT Tracks for June 22, 2011 THE HISTORY OF GOLF

...or more accurately, the history of the "No Golfing Allowed On School Property" sign.

On what appears to be a slow news day, I shall rush into the void with a story...

Once upon a time, there was a Cairoite...a Cairoite smitten with the game of golf.

Now this Cairoite was a real Cairoite...one who lived in a personally owned residence and actually paid Alexander County property taxes (unlike a fellow Chicago golfer who is paid over $100,000 a year to oversee Cairo's allegedly poor school district......income augmented by free lodging and $250 a month supplement toward utilities.)

This Cairoite discovered years ago (before the Chicagoan swooped in) that would-be golfers in Cairo have a problem...no place within the city limits to practice their game.

Not one satisfied to putter about, our Cairoite golfer longed for wide-open spaces...where he could unwind and really get into the swing of things.

Twas this driving ambition that drew our local golfer to the empty field behind the old junior high building...his tax dollars lying unused and unattended. No rolling hills available, he decided to rough it...

Being in a chipper mood, resident duffer hooked and sliced away, trying to improve his form...if not to achieve birdies and eagles, to at least reduce the number of boogies and regularly make par. (Little did our golfer know that if he wanted "eagles", he was practicing at the wrong location. Emerson (Beagles), Bennett (Dolphins), and CJHS Colts held no special attraction for an aspiring golfer. Today's Cairo Elementary Eagles...well, 'twould be a natural calling.)

As is wont to happen in the pursuit of a goal, things don't always go according to plan.

Instead of birdies and eagles, our Cairo golfer actually scored a hole in one...window after another. Often times, the practice sessions ended abruptly when the laws of nature seemed to fail. What went up, didn't come down. He hit a ball into the air, no one could say where, oh, where.

Until one hot summer day...

...when the rooftop air conditioning units at the nearby school building failed to perform up to par.

When school maintenance personnel ascended to the hot tar roof, they noticed what appeared to be large hail stones...uniformly sized and dimpled hail stones...hail stones impervious to heat.

Focused on the problem at hand (a wayward AC system), school personnel disregarded the (upon closer inspection) golf balls and placed a call to the AC repair company. When the repairpersons arrived, they chose (rightly or wrongly) to lay the blame for the malfunctioning equipment at the spiked feet of he who launched golf balls onto the building's roof. Hey, AC repairpersons watch those CSI shows too. Just follow the evidence...

Thus was born the "No Golfing Allowed On School Property" sign.

Now, you know...the rest of the story.

To the catty among you...

...who might propose moving the sign to the grounds of Cairo Junior/Senior High School.

I have it on good authority that the well-documented golfing exploits of the Cairo Superintendent of Schools (responsible for enforcing Board policy, signs, and postings) have NOT landed one golf ball on the roof of the CJSHS building.

HEY!

Give the fella his props. He's a big-city golfer, far superior to any local duffers. And, Lord, if it's true that practice makes perfect...no slicing or dicing by our Cairo (Chicago) Superintendent of Schools!

Now, dinging and denting, that's another matter...

Yes, there have been rumors of irate motorists and school bus drivers who have ventured forth, but...as the Superintendent told the CAT President when she stopped to talk to him one morning..."You know you are standing in the line of fire."

Driver beware!

At most, maybe the Superintendent should be admonished to abide by golfing etiquette and announce his intentions to swing...

FORE!